I Won't Have to go to Work!

I set up this blog in July with high hopes and apparently too high expectations for it. I wanted a place to write down my dreams but also wanted to make each entry special, perhaps adding a quote,or a lyric relevant to the dream... OOPS I forgot that I don't have much time to write my first blog much less more time for another. So I am going to try again, but with much lower expectations. I will have to settle for just a plain dream journal.
I took a nap while T was in preschool this morning and this is the dream I had:

I Won't Have to go to Work!

I I was walking around E's grade school, apparently there to pick her up. Accidentally I stepped on a sharp object and cut my foot. Not just a little cut, but when I looked down at it,it was a huge gaping bleeding wound. Luckily it didn't hurt in the dream, but was bleeding a lot. I inspected the wound and thought "that's going to need sutures, HEY, that means I won't have to go to work tonight, YAY! and maybe no work tomorrow!" I started to yell for help,as I couldn't stand on my wounded foot but no one would come. I saw teachers looking at me, but they wouldn't leave their classrooms to help. I yelled louder and started banging on the wall in hopes someone would see the direness of my situation. I was bleeding after all.

Next the dream changed, my foot was better and I was walking with T, 4years old in real life and around 15 in this dream, and E, 9years both in life and this dream. We were on our way to an indoor amusement park/Chucky Cheese pizza joint. We walked up some stairs to get to the entrance. I paid my money then realized I paid $10 too little and I couldn't find any more money, the kids were getting ahead of me in a crowd and I was starting to panic. So I dumped my huge purse onto the floor and searched it's contents for more money. I found some,paid the man and started to look for my children. Then the alarm went off.

Damn I do have to go to work tonight and tomorrow!

I think I dreamed the first part because at work last night we were polling one another as to whether we have ever stepped on a rusty nail. I know, strange.

The second part I have no clue.

Introduction

This blog is going to be about my dreams. Sometimes they seem so real and I feel so alive and awake in them, It can feel like a parallel life to me. Unfortunately most nights my dreams are more like nightmares. Since I was a kid I've had remarkably vivid dreams. Of course many are forgotten, only lingering a few minutes in my conscious mind after awakening. Some, especially those that are repeaters, I remember clearly. I also occasionally have nice pleasant dreams and will share them also.
I have wondered sometimes like many people if my dreams mean anything. Are they just a reenactment of my real daily activities? Are the nightmares a way to sort through my daily angst? My dreams do get worse when I am taking antidepressant medication, a common side effect, but not all the dreams I will write about were under the influence of any drug.
I want to write not only my current dreams, but also some repeaters I had when I was a kid. Maybe it will help me sort out some emotional things or maybe I will find out I am just fucked up.

DOPPELGANGER

One of the earliest dreams I remember having involves my mother(adoptive). It was a repeater and I clearly till this day remember it and still get a lump in my stomach thinking about it. I was around my daughters age, maybe younger, when I first dreamt it. In the dream I am lying in my bed under my soft pink and green flowery spread taking a nap. I have my rag doll Hollie Hobbie with me and I can feel her yarn hair wrapped around my fingers. A noise outside awakens me. I get out of bed to peek through the side of my old plastic shade. I see an unfamiliar silver sedan parked in front of my house. My skin begins to crawl, only I don't know why, the car looks normal, like any other '70s vehicle. But this car gives me a creepy feeling. The passenger side door opens and my mother gets out. Then I think, oh its just my mom. Then I see my mother exiting the front door of my house. What the hell? Two mothers? clones?They walk across our perfectly manicured lawn toward one another. I am sweating now and my heart is pounding in my chest. I feel this other mom is bad, she looks just like my real mom but more confident, perhaps taller. Her blue eyes are just a little lighter...hollower? Both of the women look at each other and nod as they pass, but don't speak. My real mom gets into the car...I let go of the shade which making an awful sound as the plastic rubs against the wooden sill. SHHH. I don't want them to know I was watching. I crawl back into bed and close my eyes. My blanket is no longer soft. It's just an itchy back of an old bedspread chafing my skin. I am too scared to sleep. I do sleep though, because I was sleeping in the first place.



When I wake up for real, I still feel a little freaked out. The suspicious feelings lingering throughout the day. And always when I would see my mom, I would wonder if it was the nice one or the evil one.

This dream may just have been a way for a young child to sort through feelings having to do with adoption. I know I have 2 moms, even if I may never meet my birthmom. It could also be that even at this early age, I was smart enough to figure out that my mom really had two personalities. To strangers, she comes across as really really nice, dumb but nice. It takes a little while to really see her for who she is. Deep down inside, I don't think I ever really thought of her as nice. Why else would I dislike her so much? I like nice people, nice people make me feel good about myself. They don't make me feel guilty or sad when I am around them. I certainly wouldn't be friends with people who made me feel that way. Of course she would say it's just my imagination. She is also good at trying to make me think I am crazy.


















Crazy Bitch!
I am also hoping for an NC17 Rating, as my other blog is G Rated. Ha.